Bourgeoisie

hi once again,

i wonder why there is always a season for heartbreak. Is it like fashion, where trend goes around and it always hit people at a particular time? i swear that the people around me are getting all bruised by relationship problems. all at the same time.

i might say that i get affected by people around me. Even though i cant really say that i feel the similar heartache, but i do feel glum. It makes me lose faith in the word 'relationship'. This word holds such a heavy meaning; bounded by committment and trust. But people abuse it. They use that word as frivolently as 'fashion'. Then again, society is not going to change by my mere words. Men are still going to follow the rules of the modern society. And in order to be partial, women too. Women are becoming samanthas in SATC or friends in L word. All we can do is to shrug our shoulders and sigh at how relationships have become. And maybe that is the reason why i am still reluctant to commit myself in a 'relationship'. The word that i want to preserve. The sacred word. The promise that i am going to make in the future.

Old-fashioned me you may say. But i would think that it is my principle not to get into a short-term relationship. It is a waste of time and effort.

Anyway, i just went for Fashion Aid, the one that is aired on Australian TV. It was quite an eye opener. Seeing models change backstage, managers and backstage crew hurling vulgarities into their portable walkie-talkies, while holding the free champaigne. The nerve-wrecking experience of walking the walkway (trust me, just walking alone is nervewrecking). Dancing is actually less scary then walking.

And we met this designer that does clothes for PussyCatDolls and famous international models. He is pretty funny and theres actually a possibility that he is on something (ahem). Got a bit drunk because of the free drink cards. And i can actually say that i modeled for Travisty and Gstar. How cool.

Back to reality, i have another essay to go, and three papers. But reality has been very kind to me, because i am planning to go phuket and US this coming holiday! Photo time! Wish me luck!

I will be on fashionTV! woohooo!!! my cheap-thrilled 6 minutes worth of shared fame. But it doesn't matter because it is still Foxtel anyways - it is an equivalent to our Singapore's cablevision. i think.

After rethinking what i want in life, i realised that i really like to be in a glam job. say what you like, but i am indeed intrigued by the media industry. Because of the other serious side of me always causing me to divert my attention to careers such as law, finance etc, but advertising and PR is my first love. And after going round and round in circles, i think i am still back at where i was. And i appreciate it. i like the fact that i can bring art and creativity into my work, i love the fact that they give awards to good ad campaigns. i love the wit and quirkiness, the crazy people in the company, the drive, the colours, the fact that we must know everything and anything. And i am glad that i share similar career likings to 2 of my besties.

Now, the next step is to figure out how to work towards my goal.

I will be getting my keys next week!! my new apartment just opposite DFO, how cool is that! its my time to deco and put in my creativity into a living space. Totally have no experience but it will defo be fun! I most look for art pieces but still looking for one.. boo~

OMG, GMAT is on friday and i am freaking hell not prepared at all. Seriously, i don't understand why can't we just do what we like? why must we QUALIFY to do what we like? And it may sound really weird and slightly perverted, but i do want to keep learning; the more challenging it is, the better it gets. Maybe people do have vices, and my vice is to learn and to participate. This revelation is not that groundbreaking new, but it is definitely something that teaches me about myself. Knowing myself so that i can love myself.

My first class in photography was okay, but next week is going to be better. and i am really excited to read all about my new DSLR, see the functions and play around with it. Oh boy, i am becoming like a man, and i feel it myself. My new found love for gadget and cars, how male can a female get. Then again, it is a sweeping statement because there should not be a gendered activity. Why can't males like dressing up or gossiping (which i realise boys are increasingly capable of just that)? I love studying and knowing more about gender studies, but in my own time.

I brought my lomo cam into the developing place, and oh boy! i was so silly! i actually didnt know there are cheaper alternative. Dumbo! Anyway, i really can't wait to see my work. I hope my Diana+ didnt have any weird tantrums. i am planning to get more gadgets too, to spice up my photos. It is actually amazing how a plastic thing can produce such nice artwork!

i am so freaking sleepy right now, i am not joking. oh gosh, and i still want to do some GMAT prep, read my photography manual, research on roadtrips, body modifications, etc. I SHOULD JUST FUCKN SLP.

okay i am lazy to count how many months and weeks i have actually missed remembering, and looking back at my last blog post, i am appalled by the amount of mistakes i made!! sorry guys, you must be wondering what has happened to me, well, its because of speed blogging while traveling. So well, 10 weeks. Many ups and downs, what's new. But, major events did happen. like, a burglar tried to break into my house, but thank god for leah, she kinda freak him out. LOL. but so sry leah, he freaked you out too. Since then, i stayed at home more and is turning into a homebody. right.

fast forwarding, i got a wrangler rubicon jeep now! how cool is that?!!?!?!?!?!? i am such an ironic person. i like beauty but do not see the need to look perfect. i like dancing hip hop (love dance!) but is not educated with the music. i am considered a girly-girl but has the mentality of a man. i may appear child-like at times, but people tell me that i have an 'old' mindset. Okay enough about me!





imagine it being black with silver chromed 'steps'. really pimp-y.

and within these 10 weeks, i changed my hairstyle. i dyed my hair and got myself bangs. received good comments, and photos will not be uploaded, just go see fb if you have the curiosity itch.

and thats all that i am going to type. i wasted today doing nothing, urgh, i hate it when this happens. My principle is: Every day must be well spent, no room for regrets!

DANCE HARD


xo

Hi peeps!


A shout out all the way from London! Doing still fine, this place is full of people, travellers of all shapes and sizes, languages and habits. And boy, i realise that we Asians are much cleaner. (shhh, juz personal thought on what i saw here) i dun understand how they can spread their bread on the dining table that is shared and used by lxjfnjsldjfnjo million of people. and talking about this place me and ning had to stand in the rain for half and hour becuase a bloody childish irresponsible person went to play with the fire alarm. and we can to be evacuated even though there was nothing! AHHHHH! but its quite funny when you see people cheering for the firemen. a parade on the streets.

Anyway went to Camden Market and it dawned into us that we are not rich enough to buy whatever we wanna buy. And every single time we convert back to SGD, our heart will plunge. BOOOO! But stil, we got some stuff. HEHE. AND THE THING IS, WE HAVEN EVEN BEEN TO HARRODS, TOPSHOP FLAGSHIP, OXFORD STREET. oh man,


i guess i may have to stay here to wash disshes. so see you in 10 years time.


luvsya peeps.


xoxo

Yes, my subject heading sounds like a primary school essay question. But anyhoo, it was my 21st week and boy did i enjoy myself, on the expense of failing my last exam. I only get to celebrate 21st once so, who cares. On the day itself i went to a 3 hats dinner place called Jacques Reymond and i felt like a princess. Their service was excellent and i even got to take a photo with Jacques Reymond himself. The old victorian mansion was beautiful and we took tons of pictures in the courtyard. i love the interior of the mansion and i can so imagine how it will be like if it is a house.

And later in the week i had my 21st cowboy themed party at home. i am really eternally grateful to my lovely darlings (committee members) who helped so much in planning and setting up the place. It was really beautiful and my dance friends were all quite touched cuz i told them that cuz my lovely darlings know that we are dancers so they had the dancefloor set up for us. AWWWW. Thanks Marcus for organising the game and setting up the BBQ, thanks gary too. Everybody did their part to make this party/gathering a success. And i am really happy. This year will be a good year.(photos can be seen in FB)

i am getting really tired, falling asleep once i stop doing things. i guess my health is rebelling against my lifestyle. But there are just too many things to do. Or maybe i am just too independent, that sometimes i stretch my limit and i forget to ask for help. i assume i can handle things myself but its not always the case. i force myself to achieve in the expense of my health. Not only physical health but emotional health. i would like to know a person whom i can lean on, whom i can achieve things with. But, at the same time, i am emotionally drained by my own independence. It has been too long that i am fighting alone, and i don't see a need to have that somebody to fight with me, or to protect me. i don't see a need because of my independence, but i know deep down somewhere, hidden in a little closet, that i do need help. i need someone to break that ice locked emotions. But it is going to be VERY difficult. because, i am a difficult person. i am a fighter for myself. i am a lover of myself. and i am in denial.

okay, enough of the heavy thought. i love my house and i cant wait to make it nice looking and homely. :D and oh boi, how cute can it be if i have a puppy. :D:D:D
BTW, i saw a rat in my garage today. Who says i don't need a man in the house, i was screaming my hearts out like a middle age wife. FFFFFFFF i was really scared.

But yeah, i handled it. i always do. sigh.

xoxo

I am,

1) thinking about how to invest in food agricultural and production related industries and tap its financial markets
2) checkin out landscaping companies to do up my OMG weed-den.
3) eating, whats new.
4) how much money to bring to my trippie


EVERYTHING! CEPT MY RESEARCH ON FRIGGIN POLITICS.

Ready to flung, too pumped up for 21st. have no idea why, or maybe i am just not motivated. ah!!!!! and my mummy said she bought me a surprise bday gift. I wonder what it will be. Something small but valuable. HMMMM.. quite excited though, but can only open during my bday party. SO EXCITING. omg i cant contain my excitement. Rodeo mates!

But i realise this year sickoz will not be celebrating with me. humph.. seems like i can rmb all those times with them and they witness my growing up. How i wish their presence can be felt during the 20th in my barn.


i'm rambling.


:D

"Dancers are given the great gift of motion and design. They live holistically, body, mind and spirit moulded into single and continuous acts. Dancers are, as are all artists, made to feel and to make others feel."

- Katherine Dunham

The farewell dinner at Oyster Bar Collins was great. I am falling in love with gastronomic restaurant dinners with friends. Not to mention the amount of money slipping out of my pockets. The little (erm major for now) luxuries of life. Looking at my personality i think i will suit the service industry, you think? Something that deals with entertainment and PR and meeting new people. I really wonder what will happen to all the girls in 10 years time. An exciting but horrifying thought, the fact that my dearest wildboar calls me an auntie makes it worse. But i am savoring my age, my turning 21 and the plans ahead. I am truly lucky and blessed. My friends that did not forget my existence, gr the man, peiru aka freda and many more. i love this moment, i love now.

Term 3 will be another exciting journey, yes, with my last semester in Uni, and the trippie to exotic fiji, diving, Taiwan year end trip, NYC working trip, language school, more dancing and beatphonik, hands are gladly full and my excitement is definitely mounting. year two-0-0-eight is definitely a year to be remembered.


cheers, mate

xoxo

This is going to be the usual cut and paste lyrics into a blog entry. But, people, please do look A fine frenzy's rendition of a heartbreakin song. i was touched by its lyrics and her emotions. It describes really well on loveless occasions of my life.


cheers


Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

A Fine Frenzy

need i say more? i want to hide away from complications. What a childish thought of running away. Nothing is going to change, the world is still going to turn, who cares about you anyway? Maybe i am just not ready to face the harshness of life. In the past, i can smile when things go bad. I can smile at imperfections. i can smile, only because i choose not to understand. But, age comes with wisdom. Wisdom comes with knowledge and understanding. How can i hide away from these ugly truths.

Be strong. Life is transient (how corny is that). I know who i am, its just i have not met (or force myself not to) someone who makes me feel that life is worth it. i am still young come on! shit, i am tired. blog later

Yes, i am not asleep. How many times must i tell myself to sleep early, but i just can't. There are just so many things to be done. Chasing dreams till the break of dawn and what can be achieve is the hint of reminisce.

A person can only do this much. Why do D feel that there is more than one person in her. And Ade, maybe you're right, a hint of Autism.

Speaking of which, is it really that weird knowing that you are in a dream when you are in a dream? Or not speaking till the age of 5? Or are interested in academic notes and books?

Anyway, its going to be a bloody short entry. The most important sentence is that, D loves her friends. Period.

i wonder who judge ethics. It varies from cultures and generations. So who is there to tell what is right and what is wrong? and why does everyone think that they are the one who is wrong, inadequate, or obliged. Who or what is controlling these idea of success, rights and suppose to be.

Yes, the perfect moment of a good glass of wine, companionship and a good laugh. With Ray Lamontayne kind of song, a good book and a safe home environment. What else can somebody ask for? The simplicity that desiree wants to have, but have only be thrown into a world of confusion and complexity.

every time D kills an insect, she would come into a revelation that human life is just like that. When the roof falls like a fat thumb, we will die just like the flatten insect. Just an analogy, but how true. We are the smartest living thing, but this intelligence comes with a price. Because of this intelligence, we have to fight to survive and fight to be the best. Fight to support and fight to achieve. Isn't it tiring when our end product is nothing but a flatten insect?

and just a disclaimer, D. is not feeling emo or whatever, she is actually feeling v revived and rejuvenated. Just cleaned her kitchen and she is happy. Kitchen is one of the few places that she respect the most in a house. And, she have to get her ass back to her work. She has procrastinated for too long already.

Don't mean to plagiarize, but it reflects well on facts. After searching for so long, what can be seen is a derelict scene. What i have been looking for is mere imagination. So, the question now is, why am i fighting? Sometimes, when you are born with that fate, you have to live with it. Or, live it. You cannot put your benchmark on everybody. It varies from one person to another. What you think is luck, may be another's downfall. So why complain? Why pout and think that you should have more, or less? The experience is like forcing meat into your throat, when sometimes, all you want is tofu. But what is there to complain really. Nothing. The only thing is that other people are complaining about their tofus.

i am meant to write 2 essays, but with my eyes half closed due to puffiness and the natural high, i think i wont be able to sleep. Say bye to my already gone complexion. That is how humans can be self deprecating. People smoke, go on drug, go on sex spree. For me, my personal torture is insomnia. How sadistic can humans get. Very. Oh well, the process of feeding my mind with the complexities of life, is making my life worse. Shut me off, please. Will life be better without marxism? Or go towards the utopian ideology? This, is the road to wigan pier.

Desiree is going on fine, missing her friends lots (as usual). Her body is aching from the trainings, which is a good thing. She likes this kind of aching pain. Anyway, her competition is coming up on the 18th May, and its at swanky crown. how cool is that. she is really xcited, something to look forward to. She reallllly wants to go back in June, and spend quality time with the girls. Just chat, and do simple things together. Nothing beats the simplicity of life. When things get complicated, what she needs most is the simple companionship.

miss you.

i have decided to look up and not down. Move forward and not retreat.

Smile, you only live once.

Sunday is the day man. Final showdown. The usually passive me is finally feeling that sense of urgency and excitement. My ass has been lazy for too long!! I am feeling a tiny weeny bit of stress.. not because of the competition, but because of the emails that i have been receiving from alvin. OMG. i am so gonna die when i get back. So many things to do and from the looks of the video, alvin's chory has risen another notch. how am i going to catch up.

Anyway, my mind is constantly on the move, to try out new things, to experience, to find chance to travel. my thoughts constantly wander. And i wonder whether it is a good or a bad thing.

i wonder if i have grown, or left behind too many emotions. I am less led by foreign emotions and foreign expectations. Maybe it is just time that i accept and acknowledge who i am and be truthful about it.

a new me. a renewed me.

ps: Sunday funkamania @ youthpark (orchard), evening. Please support EDEEVANCE.

<3

I am toying with live journal and having this blog is really by chance. I wanted to create one account for my own business, but ended up putting the wrong name into the wrong box. So, here it is! desireeln.livejournal.com.. i am curious why so many people out there are interested in livejournal. Anyhow, i will take my time to explore this and hope in time to come, my online shop will be a success! :D

From the previous post in my supposedly old blog, till now, i think tons of things happened, thousand emotions experienced, but really, in the end of the day, family, friendships and future relationships matter. They matter a lot. Being in a imperfect family, i grew up learning these value in the hard way. I am still suffering now. How i wish i can just leave everything behind. Just be myself. But i can't, i can't bear to.

This coming sunday will be the showdown. i just hope that inner devil will be taking MC that day and just leave me alone. Just a random thought. I wonder why there are so many people out there who don't understand the "Dance addiction". Maybe it's like how i don't understand gamers (pls note: i mean those who game their lives away).





and once again, i must say, i have the chio-est ahma ever. Good genes man.. good genes.



<3